It’s overcast outside today. My little corner of the Pacific Northwest is coming off weeks of hot weather, and the coolness is welcome. Eventually, I expect that temperatures will become warm again – summer doesn’t quite end in September here – but for now, the weather has blessed us with a hint of autumn.
I’m really looking forward to putting Summer 2014 behind me. This year, the season has been packed with extreme emotional highs and lows. I’m just so done with it all that I need to vent and let it all out. The week my grandmother passed, my great aunt also – suddenly and unexpectedly -passed away. Then, another life long family friend passed a few weeks ago. For my father, who has dementia, working through these deaths has been an especially difficult process. Each time we have had to do something related to my grandmother’s estate or arrangements, the news of her passing has been heard by him as if it were brand new information. Do you see the issue? Because of his mind, he didn’t lose his mom once; he lost her countless times because he couldn’t (and can’t) remember anything in the short term. At the same time, he needed to be part of what was going on because to leave him out would have been unjust and cruel.
His grief has been intense. It’s taught me a lot about the impact dementia can have on everyone and every life situation. I can’t even imagine what it must be like for him. Does he ever feel stuck between two worlds? Sometimes, I wonder. As for me, I feel like I have to watch every word I say – avoiding things like “I just told you that” or “remember – we just did that” etc. Those words are pointless, and I don’t want to make this smart, smart man feel stupid. He is really hard on himself when he thinks there is something he should know and can’t recall it. My mother will occasionally slip and say something like that to my dad, and I can see the hurt on his face every single time. She really tries not to, but living with dementia is physically and emotionally draining for everyone. Sometimes she hits her limit and loses it. We’re all human. The recent family deaths increased all of our human moments for two months solid.
We closed Grandma’s estate at the end of July, and things have settled a bit. My father isn’t quite his usual demented self, but he seems a little better. He likes looking through the photos we brought back from Grandma’s estate, and telling stories about what he remembers from his childhood (he does well remembering up until about the 1980’s, then it gets murky). This is a good thing. My mother bought him a photo album that we will start putting the photos in. It has journal pages in between the photo pages, which will give some room to write his stories down. Also a good thing.
Summer hasn’t been completely filled with sadness. There has been joy, too. My husband and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with close friends and family. We redid our vows during our annual August Renn Faire Family Camping Trip (it’s a thing we do with his family) dressed up in kilts, long gowns, knight armor, and just about every other kind of costume you can think of (oh yeah – we go all out – you should see the tent set up). Our sons walked me down the aisle of green grass to the “family altar.” One of my brothers-in- law dressed up as a friar and re-married us by the power invested in him by Gary Gygax, using the book of Dungeons and Dragons, p. 45, Experience points. If it sounds incredibly nerdy–it was. And it was exactly the kind of tongue in cheek celebration we wanted. Our 19 year old stated it was “the coolest thing ever,” which, upon reflection, is enough for me to think it all worth it.
We also got to meet our oldest boy’s girlfriend, and watch her become his fiance. We will watch her become our daughter in the spring. Whew!! My grandmother’s passing was the lowest low and our son’s engagement the highest high. I’m ready for this summer of craziness to end!
Even with happy things taken into account, I still feel raw and jagged. And very, very tired. Autumn always feels like an opportunity for a fresh start to me. I don’t know why. Maybe because I’m an October baby, and I think of fall as a time of rebirth? Or maybe because I’m still (in my heart) a teacher conditioned to think of the start of the school year as a time of beginning? Cooler weather and changing colors? I don’t know. Doesn’t really matter. I’m just ready for the respite the cool weather offers, the fragrances the earth emits as it prepares for winter sleep, and any weather related excuse I can come up with for a roaring fire and a nice cup of tea.
And knitting.
Lots of it.
Respectfully,
Kimberly
Knit Country 